Lt Dan Band Week, Palm Key Resort & The Independence Fund

Can I just start by saying "WOW!"  This is going to be a fantastic week!!

Lt Dan Band Weekend (week) is going to be amazing.   Since the moment I signed up and started talking to the various people running this event, I felt comfortable with them and kind of in awe of what they are doing.  And I still didn't realize until I got here how much is really gong on.  And they are taking care of all of it for us.  And although it sounds cliche', it really touches my heart.  You wouldn't believe how much they are really taking care of...the lodging at The Palm Key Resort, meals (luau, italian, etc), all the activities which include: horse back riding, kayaking, 11 mile bike race/ride, massages, groups for the caregivers, speakers, several different art classes (metal sculpture, clay, spray paint art, etc), fishing with O'Neil Williams, civil war history tour, nature classes and tours, bowling, skeet shooting, photography classes, yoga, archery, manicures and pedicures, live entertainment...a LOT!!!  And don't forget the big draw of the whole weekend... Gary Sinese's Lt Dan Band concert.   

Our trip here had a rocky start.  A little family drama yesterday caused Steve to be very worried about the whole trip.  What had so far gone smoothly and with no sign of worry (much to my very pleasant surprise) quickly had him stressing about the safety of the house, if our kids were going to be well taken care of and get to all their stuff all week on time, if the trip was going to be safe, etc.  Lately any stress just knocks him out.  He may as well have taken one of his sleeping pills, because he's out cold right after.  As the evening went on he seemed to be better.  Today on the way here he was nervous (me too!) about what this week had in store, about meeting new people, housing arrangements, etc.  but he held it together well.  Just made for a very quiet drive.

Once we got here and started to check in, I thought all was lost.  First, we were the first people to arrive.  These ladies that were here to help were AMAZING, and because we were the only ones here, they were very excited and ready to talk.  I was too, and was chatting away with them while waiting to check in.  I could tell he was starting to get tense, but it wasn't until they started asking questions about his service that I started to think he wasn't going to make it.  So much credit to these awesome women, because they caught on right away and completely stopped any service talk at all.  Okay, whew, crisis averted!

BUT, then they told us they were switching us from a 5 room cottage where the people weren't going to be in until later in the week to a 2 room cottage where we'd have our room mates today.  Whoops!  We didn't realize we'd be sharing the cottage with other families.  I'm NOT complaining, and neither was Steve...although we were both totally freaked out I know I tried hard not to show it because we are both just very grateful to be here. I braced myself and I could physically feel him trying to relax, so I took him outside to have a smoke.  While we were out, apparently the 3 of them spoke about how they could tell how tense and anxious Steve was and when we came back in, they offered us the single bedroom cabin.  Yeah, I'm not embarrassed...I cried. I was just so impressed that they saw what he needed and were willing to accommodate.  And Steve?  Well, it was instant the way his demeanor changed.  LOL, I won't say he got happy...but he didn't look like he was going to have a melt down anymore.

Of course, now I feel guilty, like someone else who may need it isn't going to get it...I don't know why I do that to myself...I mean, we need it!

Anyway, after checking in we signed up for the activities we're participating in and then just strolled around.  Being stressed out put Steve to sleep, so I went back up to the rec center and hung out up there a while.  I wanted to thank them, and instead, they spent the time thanking me and Steve and while I was there they gave us a quilt, too!  Now I'm back in my room...there are no TV's, I don't want to sleep, so I just thought I'd update since I haven't been on here to write in forever.  Today and tomorrow are total relaxation days...no planned activities...and just what we need.  We have a back porch with rocking chairs and a swing that overlooks the "blue bottle trees" (yeah, trees with blue bottles on them...they are beautiful) the labyrinth and most importantly, the marsh.  I'll add pictures soon....

I'll update throughout the week, tell you what we learn in the classes (caregiver class called "who is taking care of you?")...I don't think I'll be able to say enough good things about our experience here, because so far...it's stellar =)

Long term inpatient treatment sucks for those at home

Let me warn you...this is ugly, cry baby, and selfish....it's mean, it's not at all in a positive light, and it sucks...maybe it's me reading too much into things (that's of course what he tells me) but even if it is...it's exactly how I feel today (and I wrote this 2 weeks ago and sat on it...so it's how I still feel)

I'm repeating all of this because I've heard it over and over and over again from other spouses....and I didn't take it seriously.  Or, rather, I did...but there is no way to prepare yourself for it.  It's one thing to tell someone not to take it personally when the person you love treats you bad, but it's another altogether to actually NOT  feel bad about it.  And although I see a change in him now toward the end of treatment and I am also adjusting at this point, the last 5 weeks have been some of the worst of my life...

Yes, worse than the almost 3 years he spent in Iraq, and worse than anything that has happened since.  Why?  Because I've already dealt with him coming home as a different person once, and now, I'm going through it all over again...how many men can I have been married to in that one body?  The man who is in treatment now is a FAR cry from the one who left, and not everything new about him is good in my eyes...

In the beginning of this treatment, he was horrible to me...mean, dismissive and threatening to not come home because HE was getting better and I wasn't (he's continued to say that throughout treatment...just said it today as  a matter of fact).  He was saying he may have to stay somewhere else because us still being messed up at home might threaten his recovery.  And I've spoken to SEVERAL women who have said their's said the same thing.  I've been told more in the last 5 weeks that I don't understand him and that he's surrounded by people that do than I have in the last 6 years. Again, this seems to be a common thread at long term rehab. At some point I had to remind him that the things he was saying to me and the way he was treating me made me think he forgot he was coming home to US at the end of the treatment and that he wouldn't have these guys with him anymore.  Does he think they are going to drop everything for him once they are all home in their normal lives when he needs to talk?  No, they have wives and families at home too.  Will they remain friends?  Sure...and I'm sure they will help and be there for each other.  But he's coming home to us.  

The emotional distance between us is huge.  Every time I bring up feelings or emotions he can't handle it and ends the conversation because he "doesn't want to freak out there."  Well, is there a better place to freak out?  He keeps reminding me that he's there to deal with PTSD, not our family issues.  Okay, so you are going to go to family therapy with me when you get home, then, right?  No?  You can't handle that?   So, I'm WORSE than PTSD?????

Also, he seems to now think that he can say anything to me, and it's my job as a PTSD spouse to NOT react, even when he's done something wrong ....and NEVER question his actions, or he'll just shut me off and not speak to me.  And his doctor reenforced this..."he's dealing with so much guilt, when you tell him he'd done something wrong he feels like a failure all over again"  Well, you know what?  Tough SHIT!  He was NEVER a failure...and messing up once in a while doesn't make you a failure either!  You know what makes you a failure?  Not being able to talk about when things go wrong and work to correct them.  THAT makes you a failure.

Besides that, I've been his advocate and partner every step of the way, and was totally unprepared for not having a place in this at all.  It's a huge adjustment going from being 100% involved, at every appointment, helping with every decision,  to being left in the dark except a 15 min phone calls from a doctor once a week.   And no one seems to give a shit about the family at home.  PTSD may start as the service member's injury...but we all know before very long it becomes the entire family's.

So, I have two major faults in myself here....I'm jealous, and I resent the help he's getting.

My jealousy is HUGE!!!  I mentioned the whole "I don't understand" thing...but he's also really not talking to me anymore.  And I don't feel like I'm first in his life....somewhere we lost out to the war and the soldiers he served with...we'll never be more than a far distant second place to that.  At least that one he's never said directly...but actions speak much louder than words.  I am not willing to be in second place...not to a war, not to anything.  I realize that is MY issue...but it's one I have to figure out quickly, because I'm tired of making him first in my life only to fit in wherever I fit in.

AND, I'll admit, I resent it...I resent that there is help for him and no one else... resent that the kids and I can't find a freaking therapist familiar with combat PTSD and the family...I resent that he's had the last several weeks where he hasn't had to deal with the realities of life and focus on getting well and our family is going to hell without him here (and I can't talk to him about it because it upsets him)...our reality is we live with a ticking time bomb and even him being away hasn't insulated us from that...the kids are miserable, and don't understand so they are acting up, everything that normally has to be done still has to be done....and I don't hear him saying "thank you" for anything.  Hey, I realize it's expected of me as the person who loves him....but a little recognition every once in a while would go a long long way.  I resent that there is no gratitude, that I'm taken for granted, and that there is nothing in place to help us and no break ever...

So after all that bitching...I also need to say this...I'm thrilled he is doing this, because even if it ruins our marriage (which I think it very well may have) he needs some relief from this pain...and it would be VERY UNFAIR of me not to acknowledge how much hard work he has also put into this program to help heal himself.  His doctor has said again and again that he's written some of the best narratives he's seen.  That he's doing all the assignments  and giving them 100%.  I'm very happy for him because he tells me he's doing better, and that's what it's all about, him recovering.  But however it has benefited him, it's done the exact opposite for us at home. I can't ever remember being so worn out, lonely and uncertain of our future together as I am right now.

The man who came back from Iraq wasn't the same one who left me, but that was many years ago and I hadn't already gone through all this pain with him.  This guy is yet someone else new coming home to me...and I don't know that after everything I've been through with the other Steves if I can start over again with someone new...I still love him with everything in me, but I don't know how much is actually LEFT in me.

No Laughing Matter...

So I'm a little freaked out right now. You've got to excuse my self indulgence here...I'm kinda talking myself through something...and taking you on the journey...because I figure others can relate (if anyone even reads this...lol...who knows who sees it.) This is really just me speaking from the gut...everything may not come out right.  Some of it may be offensive, although it isn't intended if it is.

I was just talking to a friend about how we are dealing with something we are both going through with our spouses right now.  She said she was trying not to jump to the worst case scenario.  My comment back was innocent, and intended to help...all I said was that I try to make up best case scenarios in my head, because after all...it's just as likely to be the best as the worst, but even so, I can't focus on those.  That we are all just a little bit jaded, because in our experience, we CAN'T discount the worst case...because for us, it happens sometimes.  So we get ourselves all worked up, panic, cry, get angry, lose sleep, can't eat, assume our marriages are over, and think of every possible horrible outcome....and then find out it wasn't nearly as bad as we expected...that we "invented" the majority of the bad in our minds.

And then, I realized I was describing hypervigilance...one of those BIG signs of PTSD.  I've "joked" for years that I probably have secondary PTSD.  I'd do something "abnormal" to others, and then flippantly toss out there that it must be secondary PTSD.  But today, after  that one comment to my friend, (have you noticed this pattern with me...reality usually hit me like a ton of bricks when I'm not expecting it) I started thinking back over the last few years. The increased frequency when my husband has told me that he and the kids have to avoid me sometimes, too.  How quick I've gotten to jump to conclusions.  How I assume everything is going to be doom and gloom.  So, I pulled up the below list of symptoms to really take a look at myself (with my comments):

While everyone experiences PTSD differently, there are three main types of symptoms:

1. Re-experiencing the traumatic event
2. Avoiding reminders of the trauma
3. Increased anxiety and emotional arousal

Symptoms of PTSD: Re-experiencing the traumatic event

• Intrusive, upsetting memories of the event----CHECK! Of course I relive the events that have led us to this place...they are as much a part of our lives as the good days.  It's hard not to think of the worst when you always think you are  just the wrong word away from disaster at any moment.
• Flashbacks (acting or feeling like the event is happening again)---OMG, I do that!  I don't feel like the event is happening again, but I DO have the same intense dread and depression.  I just spent 5 days not being able to eat or sleep over a hint that something may be wrong.  All I could do was think about when it happened before and I made myself sick.  Of course, the reality was I was overreacting and was wrong about what happened.  This is an ever repeating pattern.
• Nightmares (either of the event or of other frightening things)---horrible, worst case possible, night after night...I can't even talk about them...but I avoid sleeping until I'm so tired I know I probably won't remember them.
• Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the trauma---only because being reminded of it, just further reminds me that it not only can, but probably will happen again.
• Intense physical reactions to reminders of the event (e.g. pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea, muscle tension, sweating)--I just told someone this week...the only time I sweat is when I'm dealing with this overreaction of mine...I get so nauseous and worked up that I end up passing out and spending a day or two in bed from sheer exhaustion of my body on overload

Symptoms of PTSD: Avoidance and numbing

• Avoiding activities, places, thoughts, or feelings that remind you of the trauma---here's the rub....EVERYTHING Is a potential for our "trauma"...leaving the house and interacting with others is always a scary proposition.  I never know when he's going to freak out, or where.  So, at least at home, no one else is involved.
• Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma--I don't think I have this issue...if anything I remember far far too much
• Loss of interest in activities and life in general--see above...life in general is a mine field (excuse the military expression...it seemed to fit)
• Feeling detached from others and emotionally numb--again, I don't think this is so unnatural, given our situation...it's how you cope...or how your body copes, I should say...once you've had so much, doesn't it just make sense that you'd feel numb.  Things are either FANTASTIC...HORRIBLE...or Eh
• Sense of a limited future (you don’t expect to live a normal life span, get married, have a career)--This is a funny one for me, too.  My husband spends a lot of time telling me what he expects me to do with myself in the future.  I don't see a future where I'm able to talk to others like a "normal" person again.  I don't see being able to leave the house daily and not worry about what is happening here.  And I also think that's perfectly normal, considering our life.

Symptoms of PTSD: Increased anxiety and emotional arousal

• Difficulty falling or staying asleep---LOL...I've yet to meet a caregiver or a veteran who sleeps
• Irritability or outbursts of anger---it's ironic...I've spent so many years focusing on his anger and chastising him for his behavior....and I hadn't realized how often he has told me that the family has to be extra careful around me.  Hadn't thought of all the slammed doors I've been responsible for.  All the times I don't even want the kids to talk to me because I'm afraid I'd explode on them. I'm feeling like a total heel right now.
• Difficulty concentrating--This is going to sound obnoxious...but I'm used to being one of the smartest people in the room.  I've spent a life thirsting for knowledge, but not ever really putting it into application.  That said, I have always taken pride in keeping my mind active and keeping up to date.  Except here lately, I can't manage to read a book, let alone figure out how to put together a transformer or help the kids with homework.  This bothers me more than anything.  I've always been able to get myself past a panic or depression by keeping my mind busy.  But when your mind stops doing what you expect it to, it's beyond frustrating.  It just adds to the depression.
• Hypervigilance (on constant “red alert”)---This is where we started this conversation....and lets talk about it a little more.  Where is that cut off between being vigilant, and hypervigilant? I mean, is it hypervigilance if your current reality requires you to be on that state of alert?  An (unequal, but fair) example:  When our soldiers are at war, it's not hypervigilance for them to be on high alert at all times...it is required for their survival.  When they come home, that level of hypervigilance is unnecessary.  There aren't IED's or snipers on roof tops.  In their case, they are trained to be in that state of mind.  It's kept them alive.  Why would they stop searching for the danger if it's worked this far?   They are stuck in that survival mode, even though the threat level has gone down. And that makes perfect sense.  They still perceive the threat as high, and with what they have gone through, who could blame them...it's to be expected.
  
  On the flip side, for those of us living with these Veterans, there is no reason to ever stop looking for our "IED's"....there is a good reason to be vigilant at every moment...because every moment IS a potential for explosion, or implosion.  What they call hypervigilance, I call self preservation.  Unless of course our spouse is truly doing better.  In which case, does our constant worry and planning for the worst case hold them back further?  LOL, but then, there is always the cases where they are doing better for quite some time, and then things go to hell again.  We spend a lot of time waiting on that other shoe to drop...enough so that I know alot of our spouses find it insulting.  Ugh, frustrating!
• Feeling jumpy and easily startled--aren't some people just like that?

Other common symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

Anger and irritability-already addressed above Guilt, shame, or self-blame-of course, did I start this fight? How could I have helped him ?  How must people look at me knowing I stay?  How would people look at me if I left? Substance abuse--I have to wonder on this one.  I do self medicate...but mostly of food. Feelings of mistrust and betrayal--again, doesn't this tie in directly to the hypervigilance?  Of course I feel that way.  With reason.

Depression and hopelessness--again, again, again...already hit on above.  My room has become my fortress...I sit in here, pretend the world doesn't exist and watch meaningless TV 12 hours a day most days Suicidal thoughts and feelings--I'm not suicidal, but I will admit that there are many times that I've felt I'd be better off dead.  There is no way I'd ever hurt myself...I know that I have a full life ahead with my children, and I'd never leave them.  But I don't always want to keep going. Feeling alienated and alone--Even within our community of other PTSD wives, sometimes I feel like I can't repeat what happened here exactly.  There is always someone who says "you should leave" and there is always a part of me that wonders if they are right.  But I don't want to go.  I love my husband, and I enjoy more time with him than I don't.  Only I can figure out if that time ever comes.  I always worry that no one can relate, but the reality is, I know they do. Physical aches and pains---I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia...I am in pain every day...it's just my new normal, and I've learned to keep going through most of it.

So, what is it I think at the end of going through all this with myself?  I think more than I ever did that PTSD is a very natural reaction to your environment.  That it's time for me to face that I am going through it too.  And time for me to really go out and get help for myself so I can continue to help my spouse.  Time for a psychologist, time to see the family Dr about the fibro, time to get back to doing things I enjoy doing.  I feel like I have a little bit better understanding of myself and what I have to do here....even if I feel a little more scared than I did 24 hours ago.  Gotta go...I've got a lot of phone calls to make and a life to try to start living a little better again.

...And I Don't Know How It Happened.

I’m not sure why I’m sharing this particular story, I wrote it almost two weeks ago, and thought it was too long and too harsh at the time.  Because things are still pretty much the same today, I feel like I need to share it, even though  I’m kind of afraid I’m allowing the world to watch me unravel in front of their eyes.  I’m not even sure what my point is, especially since I contradict myself every other sentence.  But, I don’t want to edit it, no matter how long it has gotten, because it followed my thought process, no matter how crazy it seems and how insanely long it became.   So, here it is…

There is a new trend in my house lately.  If I start to get upset with my husband for anything, he immediately turns it around on me and never even hears what my issue is.  If he said something that offended me, I am unable to even tell him what it was before he cuts me off, blows up and says something along the lines of “I have PTSD, I can’t deal with this, don’t make it worse”  or the even worse “I have PTSD, if you can’t handle it, you know the way out.”  Then, he walks away.  EVERY TIME.  If I don’t agree with his point of view, if I’m upset, he walks away…period. 

As a result, I never get my say, my issues with the things he’s doing pile up, and eventually I’m angry at him for 30 different things, when one small issue at a time could have been resolved without any anger.  Then, every time, he comes back 10-15 min later and says the exact same condescending thing “Are you over it now?  Are we good?”  The few times I’ve said no he’s lost it and broke things around the house, did a lot of  screaming, and then ended up depressed in bed for hours to days at a time.  So, to spare the kids witnessing more of this, and to spare myself having to deal with it, I’ve just started saying “okay.”

But things aren’t okay. 

It’s gotten to the point where I don’t tell him most things that upset me in the first place.  I’m not sure when this started.  I’m not sure when PTSD became his excuse to not try, his escape, and his out.  I don’t know when I took on the roll of door mat.  I don’t know when I quit trying to make him see my point.  But now that I realize it’s like this, it feels like I gave up on him.  Even worse, I feel like I gave up who I am.  I feel like I don’t have a voice in my own home; like I’m just along for the ride.  My opinions, my input, my anger…they are all dismissed as things he “can’t handle.”  I’m a visitor in my own life.  I’m a non-entity.  I don’t speak.

And somehow, I just noticed it this weekend.  Looking back, it’s been this way for months, and I don’t know how it happened. 

Before I say another word, I want to tell you that I have this sense of guilt that I’m talking badly about my spouse.  There is another side to him that is caring, doting and loving...that puts us first every time, that is a joy to be around. When I say he waits on me hand and foot, I’m not exaggerating at all.  He keeps our home spotless.  He caters to my needs.  In some aspects, he spoils me.

And then there is this side of him. But the thing is I still don’t feel like this is “him” behaving this way.  People have told me that what I’m about to describe isn’t a part of his illness, but I think they are wrong.  I DO feel like it’s the PTSD, because he was NOT this way before.  And I love this man more than I could express.  If I didn’t, or if I felt like this was all hopeless, I wouldn’t be here suffering next to him any longer.   

I’m also not blaming him, or the PTSD.  I take full responsibility for the fact that I haven’t been standing up for myself or working toward a better situation for myself and our children.  I’m not claiming to be a victim.  AND, I’ll say right now, also, that I have a tendency to exaggerate without knowing I’m doing it.  It’s very possible that I’ve made this into more than it is and it's really nothing at all…or maybe he’s convinced me that’s what I do.  Heck, maybe it's even worse than I think it is.  It could even be the case that I was the one who was wrong here, and he was defending himself.  Honestly, I don’t know.  I truly don't know.

I just know I feel like I don't know if my feelings are valid any more.  I wonder if I'm becoming as delusional as he is.

He did something that offended me this weekend.  What he did and said isn’t important (because it’s a long story, AND this is long enough, and I know it wasn't intentional), but it was offensive to me. Instead of confronting him, because we were going away with the kids for the weekend, and I didn’t want to ruin the trip before it started, I decided to do what had become the “norm.”  I just went to my room to cool off.  He came back a few minutes later, and asked if I was angry about something.  This happens a lot also, and usually I just say “it was nothing.”  I don't know why I picked this inconvenient time to tell him what my issue was.  I don't know why I bothered, because I know he can't pay attention long enough to hear the explanation of what I was saying.  I just felt like I had to.  And in all reality, I may have been being overly sensitive. But that doesn’t matter.  What matters is I was offended and I wanted him to understand why.   It was minor, and should have been a 2 minute discussion.  It should have never been a fight.

Instead, the second I began speaking, he started to get worked up.  Every word I said his face got redder, his fists balled up tighter and the tendons in his neck strained more.  He couldn’t or wouldn’t listen to a word I was saying.  And I got the same response I always do.   “I have PTSD, I can’t handle this.  This is your problem, I didn’t do anything wrong.  Why are you trying to get me upset? Why can’t you just let anything go?  You say you walk on eggshells around me, but I feel like I can’t say anything to you.”  And even though I'm SURE there is also some truth to that, the last line was like a slap in the face.

Like I said, normally, when he starts to freak out I’ve just let it go, even when I know I’m right.  But this time, I couldn’t hold my tongue another second.  “YOU feel like you can’t say anything?  Is this a joke?  I’m not allowed to get mad, because it bothers your PTSD.  I’m not allowed to have opinions in our home other than what you believe, because it bothers your PTSD.  Who is it that can’t say anything around here?”  He wasn’t hearing a word I was saying.  He went into a rage and broke the foot board off my bed.  He just split the wood in half and ripped it off. 

I couldn’t take it any longer.  It was like this flood of anger took over me.  I realized all the times in the last few months that I’ve forced myself to just shut off what is bothering me because I didn’t want to deal with his fits.  THEN I further realized that he is using his anger to try to scare me into submission.  I don’t even think he’s doing it consciously.  I just think the intimidation has been working, so he’s stuck with it. 

He proceeded to try to turn the situation around, like usual, to his PTSD, instead of what the real and original issue was.  Everything always comes back to that.  So, instead of standing there listening to it and taking the blame, I did the childish thing and did what he does to me.  I walked out of the room while he was talking to me…mid-sentence.   I did it on purpose and I did it out of anger.  It was wrong, and I was still was unable to get my point across because of it (not that that ever would have happened anyway.) But at that time, it felt as right as could be. 

It took everything in me to remain calm and not to roll my eyes at him when he came out to me, hurt and upset and said “For the record, you just walked out on me when I was trying to explain to you what my problem was.”  I still couldn’t have this fight.  We were about to leave, and the kids were there waiting.  So I walked away again, and he sulked back into the room.

Because I was still acting childish at this point, I took it a step further.  I waited about 10 minutes, walked into the room, took another line from his book, and said “Are you over it yet?  Are we good?” and just stood and waited while he looked at me in shock and finally said “yeah, we’re good.”

And then, I wouldn’t let him act upset.  I carried on for the rest of the day like nothing happened.  I wasn’t going to let him sulk and ruin yet another event the kids were looking forward to.  I wasn’t going to let him be a jerk to me and ruin my weekend.  But of course, that wasn’t the end of it.  Is it ever?

The entire next day he was on edge, but it wasn’t until the next evening he tried to use the PTSD card to his advantage again.  And let me warn you that it was over the dumbest thing ever.  The whole argument doesn't even make sense, and I think neither one of us was at fault at first...it was just a misunderstanding.  If what he thought was happening really was, it would be valid…but it wasn’t even close. 

Along with his PTSD he has some form of OCD.  He tells me the therapist says the things he does are form of control…he has to be able to control some situations because he feels like he’s not in control of his life.  One of those is when he stirs something.  Making his coffee in the morning he has to stir it 40 times, counting to 20, twice.  Stirring a pitcher of tea, he has to stir it 100 times, again in increments of 20.  And that he has to do it with a butter knife. 

We were camping, and I was in the middle of cooking and needed the knife.  I couldn’t walk away from our stove long enough to find it, so I asked him to get up and get it.  I told him the food was starting to burn so I needed it right away.  Instead of bringing it to me, he went and gathered ingredients and started to make tea with his back to me.  It wasn’t a big deal, but I was annoyed and my son and I both kind of scoffed and I said “Um, I need that knife.”  His response to both of us, and mind you…my son is 10, “I know you are laughing at the stirring, and I’m going to tell you this making fun of me is going to stop.  I’ll make you sorry if you keep it up.” 

I said something along the lines of “I can’t believe you are threatening us.  No one was laughing at all, and no one has ever laughed at you about the stirring, unless you were making a joke about it yourself.  You are being paranoid, irrational, delusional and overly sensitive.  You keep imagining that we say or do things to offend you that aren’t happening at all.” 

Guess what it went right back to?  Yup, he KNEW we were laughing at the stirring, and he can’t handle it because of his PTSD.  Why can’t I just keep my mouth shut so I don’t bother his PTSD? 

O! M! G!

I should have just shut up...it wasn't the right time or place....but I was just so full of anger, irritation, and pain at this point it was going to come out.  I sent my son to go hang out with his brother and the other friends camping with us and then I told him what I thought.  I knew I had a captive audience, and I had the courage to speak my mind because I know that no matter how much he uses his PTSD as an excuse, he has enough control of himself that he never does anything that will embarrass him in front of others. (Which, I have to tell you is the only part of PTSD that I have ever resented…the only thing that really angers me.  Why have that respect for stranger, but not use that self-control with the people who love and care about you?  People you say you love and care about?) 

I said a lot of things that had been dancing around in my head for a while, but never as full thoughts, not that I think he actually "heard" any of them.  I said all the things I hadn’t had the courage to say before then.  I told him that I was sick of hearing the PTSD excuse, because there was never an “I’m trying” or and “I’m sorry” attached. I told him I understood he was ill, but if he wasn’t doing anything to try to get better it was as much his fault as was his problem. I also told him that the only noise he heard was our annoyance at him taking the knife after we said we needed it, and it was becoming typical of his behavior…putting what he wants to do in front of what anyone else is doing.  How it seemed as if he’d given up and he wasn’t going to try to be better, but rather use his PTSD as a valid reason to continue his behavior unchecked.  And I said I won’t live like that any longer and I won’t expose our children to it any longer. 

I said a lot of things that didn't pertain to the moment, but they still gushed out.  But I said it all calmly and rationally.  And that, for some reason, pisses him off even more than if I’m upset and crying or yelling.

The first thing he did was try to intimidate me again.  He stood behind me “bowed up” and started breathing heavy…just staring at the back of my head.  I turned around and told him to go sit down somewhere because although he didn’t scare me, he wasn’t going to stand there behind me looking like he did with our friends and their kids around to witness it.  Then he moved to a chair, doing the same thing, flexing his fists over and over and trying to stare me down. 

I don’t know what came over me this weekend.  Maybe enough was enough, maybe I had courage from the amount of people around, but I just looked at him and said “Look, if you are going to punch me or stab me or something, just do it…I’m sick of this.  I’m not afraid of you, I won’t live in fear.  I am not going to live like this anymore.  We are not going to live like this anymore.”  And his reply “You are on your own now.  You don’t have a clue to the level you are alone now.  Better start to get used to it.”  A typical threat, now days.

((Just to make something very clear, he’s never hit, smacked, pushed or touched us.  He does tell me that he has a hard time refraining from hitting me and that I’m going to “make him” someday.  I’ve never been afraid of him doing it though, and still am not.  Its part of what makes him so angry, I’m not intimidated by him, I’m just sick of hearing him.  I am also sure this sounds very abusive to many of you, but I tend not to take him seriously, so it really doesn't feel abusive to me.))

That was Saturday evening, and since then he’s only said the necessities to me.  He’s angry and pouting, and trying to take it out on me by ignoring me (another of his favorite tactics.) And here is where the reflection comes in again.  This is the history of every disagreement we’ve had for at least the last 6 months, maybe longer.  I’m just as angry with myself as I am with him over all of this.  HOW could I let this happen?  How could I let myself shut down to the needs and feelings of not only myself, but much more importantly, my children?  When did I allow PTSD to rule our family over everything else?  What kind of parent does that make me?

Wish I could end this on a more positive note, but the only positive about this (which is actually a big one) is that I’m finally aware of the truth of the situation.  I finally see what is really happening here.  I thought things were going better in our house, and that he was feeling better. He wasn’t breaking things as often.  He wasn’t screaming as often.  He wasn’t locking himself in the room for days at a time. Now I realize that what really happened is I gave in to his way to try to keep the peace. It wasn’t that he was doing better; it was that I wasn’t allowing anything to happen in my house that he could react to.  I was shutting us off from life.  I allowed us to lose our voices.

I won’t do it anymore.  I could say I was tired, worn out, stressed, etc., etc., etc…but then that is using the same kinds of excuses he is.  I have to start to fight for us again.  I have to do what I can to create a living environment where people are comfortable giving their opinions and expressing their feelings.  I'm not the victim here, I'm an active (or rather, inactive) participant in what is going on.

The truth is I don’t know where to start.  I’m looking for a new therapist for myself.  I’m going to call his therapist this afternoon.  But how do you start to stand up for yourself when you’ve allowed yourself to be walked on for so long?  How do you speak to someone who won’t listen?  How do you say anything when it could lead to violence in front of your children?  And I'm not sure how to really explain any of it to anyone, because re-reading this...I still think I may be making mountains out of mole hills.  I need help as much as I believe he does.

I’m at a point now many people thought I should have been at long ago.  I’m at the point of ultimatums.  It doesn’t matter that he is the love of my life. Either he starts doing the things he is supposed to be doing to help himself, or he is going to lose his family.  Because I realize now that although I don't think he's abusive, it's also not healthy.  I don’t expect miracles, I just expect him to put in the work and effort.  And that is the bottom line. 

Now, I just have to figure out in what place I can speak to him about this that everyone is safe, secure, and he is in a position where he has to hear me out.

I may sound desperate, or lost, or upset….but the truth is, I feel more aware and hopeful than I have in a long time....even if I am still unsure about it all.  For whatever reason I see the situation in a different light, and I know that I have choices to make.  I realize for the first time that I can’t make him do the things he needs to do to help his self.  And if he refuses to do those things on his own?

I realize that I not only can, but have an obligation, to do what is right for my children.  I realize now that we may be at a point where we can’t stay together as a family.  And I realize if I have to leave, I can do this now without guilt, because it wouldn’t be my choice.  It would be his.   

I think? 

Why is it always the simple things that make such an impact on me?

I got a new counselor at the Vet Center....I love him...and I'm so glad to be speaking to a man.  I had hoped, and was right, that he'd help me see things from a man's point of view.  Yesterday was the first time I met with him, and I can honestly say it's the first time in my life that I've walked out of a counselors office feeling fantastic. Usually when I leave whatever we've talked about makes me introspective and sometimes depressed.  So, I was afraid to go in yesterday, because I've already had a pretty depressing week. (probably self inflicted depression...I spent a lot of time making mountains out of mole hills recently)

Okay, so first of all, this guys smile was contagious.  We've all met people like him, those people that smile even when you are talking about horrible things, but somehow, it doesn't seem inappropriate at all.  Instead, I was hypnotized into smiling back.  GREAT start!

Second, he was also incredibly positive.  Not in an annoying cheerleader (no offence to REAL cheerleaders, it's cool when you're doing your thing!) kind of way. But for every negative thing I said, he had the "antidote" and it wasn't at all fake or pushed on me.  It just felt real....and darn it if it wasn't contagious too!

"ALL" I wanted out of that visit was for him to tell me HOW to talk to my husband so he'd actually hear me....okay, well in retrospect, that is insane...I mean, I've been seeing people for years now for the same reason, and I had no reason to believe it would be any different then.  But it was...it honestly was.

After I unloaded on this guy everything that has been bothering me since 2005 he started to look desperate himself.  He then did something no other counselor has done before, he said "what can I do to make you leave here TODAY feeling better" and I asked "How do I word this to my husband....I don't think I can take care of his needs, since he is unable to do it himself, and my family and maintain a full time job any longer. I've tried to speak to him about it several times, I've tried the crying approach, I've tried the detached unemotional approach, but he isn't hearing me, and I feel like I'm losing my family"

His response just felt RIGHT (paraphrasing here) "You said your husband gets up all night looking for anyone breaking in your home.  Put it to him in those terms.  Tell him PTSD is the thief coming in your home and robbing you of your happiness and family.  Tell him he couldn't fight the war alone, and he can't fight this alone.  Tell him you are standing on the front line with him on this instead of back in the rear.  Tell him an Army of one will always be defeated.  Speak to him like a soldier and a man, and he may not get it, but he will listen."

I walked out of there on cloud 9, because I KNEW he'd listen....I didn't know how he'd respond, but I knew that at least he'd finally hear me.  And he did.

It actually took a few days until he was in a mood that I knew I could approach him.  I said almost word for word what the counselor had said to me....and he listened.  Not only did he listen, he finally got it.  He understands why and how I feel helpless now, and that he needs a partner in this...that he can't do it alone.

Like always, it's not all better, and he's been a nervous wreck since we discussed it...and there is no plan of action yet either....we can only take baby steps...one big idea at a time is all he can deal with.  But he's calling HIS counselor tomorrow, and telling him he can speak to me about anything I ask....and I only want to speak to this man to tell him, my husband always puts his best foot forward when he's there with him...I want him to see what is going on from a point of view OTHER than my husband's.

On my own, I've applied for the care giver benefits, and I'm looking for a differnt (part-time) job....things are going to be very tight around here once that happens....and I've decided that I won't leave my current position until after Christmas unless a great opportunity comes up....but I finally see things moving in the RIGHT direction, instead of just moving without my guidance.  I feel empowered, and it's been a long time since I felt that way.

I've been writing a children's book on PTSD for a while...my most recent draft

I was disgusted one evening when my kids were asking me about what was going on with their dad, and I couldn't find a single book or article aimed at their level.  I intend to finish this book, and add discussion points to each page for parents and children to talk about AND writing one at my older child's level.  I'm still looking for an illustrator, and this is nothing more than a rough draft….but it’s my start.

I’d love to hear HONEST opinions on it, don’t hold back and don’t worry about my feelings.....

PTSD, My Daddy & Me

When I was little, my Daddy went to war.

I was so excited when he came home & so was he.

But Daddy wasn't happy, he was sad and angry all the time.

 Mommy said he got sick when he was gone-he has PTSD.

Sometimes my Daddy is a lot of fun-

we play baseball and go swimming and go to the park.

But sometimes, all my dad wants to do is sit in his room alone.

Sometimes he even cries.

Mommy says he's thinking about the things that made him sick.

When Daddy is sad I try to cheer him up.

I'll bring him a drink & candy and lots of hugs and kisses.

He always loves when I do that!

But sometimes it doesn't make the sad go away.

Mommy says it's not my fault

Daddy is sick-he has PTSD.

When Daddy is really mad he yells a LOT.

Sometimes he throws stuff and sometimes he even breaks things.

Sometimes I get scared,

but Mommy said it's her job to protect me

and she won't ever let me get hurt.

When I get mad I try to yell & break stuff too!

Mommy & Daddy said I can't do that.

Daddy tries very had not to do those things, and he even sees aDoctor to help him control his temper

because Daddy is sick-he has PTSD

On The 4th of July I was so excited to go see the fireworks!

They are so cool and pretty and loud!!!

Daddy doesn't like the fireworks anymore.

Mommy said they give him "flashbacks" and make him think of when he was in war-

Because Daddy is sick-he has PTSD.

AT Christmas my whole family celebrates together at a big party.

It is so much fun and everyone is there...

Except Daddy

Mommy said being around a lot of people & noise makes him nervous and upset-

Because Daddy is sick-he has PTSD

One night Daddy heard me crying in my room.

He asked me what was wrong and I said

“Daddy, you are sick-you have PTSD"

Daddy scooped me up in his arms and said

"Little one, I try every day to get better.

I see Doctors who help me all the time.

I know I'm a different Daddy than before,

And I know some days I'm sad and some days I'm mad

But we'll be okay, because I love you and you love me back"

My Daddy is sick

He has PTSD

But he still loves me!!

I Didn't Know I Had So Much To Say

Fair warning again...this turned out much longer than I expected, but I think I need to talk a little about who I am as a person and it’s really important to me to clarify something about the last few posts I’ve made.  Reading them over,  they seems to be a lot of doom and gloom…and that isn’t me.  That isn’t my family.  (Okay, I’ll be fair, it IS my husband)

PTSD hasn’t been all bad for me.  Don’t get me wrong, given the option, I’d rather I never had to even learn about it.  But, in spite of the negatives, I’ve learned so much about myself, my capacity to love, my strengths, my weaknesses (that’s a great thing to know) and the kindness of others and their willingness to help.  PTSD has been a life altering experience for our entire family, but something much more simple changed my life in an equally dramatic way.

When all of this began, if I had a bad day and someone approached me and said anything along the lines of “cheer up” or “you create your own attitude” or “you choose your mood” that person would have gotten a LARGE piece of my mind. Over the years I grew so so so tired of all the worn out clichés.  Not just tired, I was angry.  How did your cutsie sayings and words matter?  You had no idea what my life was like, so how could you possibly think you were doing anything other than running your mouth?   

Oh, how time changes us.

About 5 years ago I started reading http://www.postsecret.com/  (If you’ve never been to the site, check it out…really)  One day I happened upon this secret http://www.flickr.com/photos/tortillamask/3167121368/.  For those of you who don’t want to follow the link, it says “I often wonder if life is easier for other people…..or….they’re just better at faking it”   I actually laughed when I read it, showed it to the people around me.  And I showed it to more people.  Over time, I talked about that secret a LOT.  I don’t know what it was about it, it seemed so simple, yet it was profound.

First I questioned why anyone would want to fake it.  Isn’t our life what it is?  Why would anyone want to be something other than who they are?  Who would want to live a lie?   My attitude about it was “I am who I am, life has dealt me a bum hand, and that’s just the way it is” But the more I talked to people, the more I realized that their reaction to the postcard was a direct reflection of who they were, their attitude toward life, and how happy they appeared to be.  If they felt like I did about the secret, they tended to be moodier and more stagnant individuals.  If they thought it was wonderful and profound, those were the people who had a smile on their face daily. Sadly, I let it go…I didn’t forget the secret, I just let it go.

Okay, so fast forward a couple of years. I’m not sure when, because it wasn’t an instantaneous thing, but a gradual change.  That simple little secret was just sitting there idle in the back of my mind, working it’s magic in ways that I never imagined could happen.  I don’t remember there being a specific time I consciously decided not to spend my life under the black cloud of doubt and worry, but I do remember when my husband noticed. 

There were money problems, one right after the other, and our mortgage was going to be late for the 3^rd month in a row.  He had worked himself into the typical rage/depression cycle about it…and I just didn’t.  You’d think that the calm of one person in the house would have defused the situation in some way, but I am here to tell you, it had exactly the opposite effect.  He accused me of giving up, of not caring, of many other things much worse than those.  I was trying to explain to him why I couldn’t allow myself to get so worked up about something I had no control over, and then, I did the strangest thing. In my snottiest voice I spouted out The Serenity Prayer.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

WHERE DID THAT COME FROM!?!?!?!  I was a very cynical about religion at that time.  Nothing could be LESS like me than a prayer.  Prayers were useless words used to pacify.  A crutch.  Meaningless.?  Maybe not.  THAT hit me like a ton of bricks.  I actually had to give myself a time out and go sit in the dark of my room to process what was going on in my mind.  How could those words be meaningless if they had so much power over me? (It’s worth noting, although not discussing, that I am still not a believer, this isn’t a conversion story)

Well of course they had power.  Everything we are is directly related to simple words.  Our every action is our thoughts played out.  And aren’t our thoughts just more words?  I’m not sure if that’s too simple a way of putting it, or too deep…but either way, those moments in my life and these words changed me.  I thought about the times I’d said things to my children that made them smile, and those that made them flinch. I started thinking of all the songs that flooded me with emotion and brought tears to my eyes.   I thought about my wedding vows, poems, great novels, movie quotes, I love yous….. 

I looked up the prayer, not even realizing there was more to it:

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen. --Reinhold Niebuhr

Maybe you see where this is going, or maybe you don’t see the connection, but the first thing I thought of was that postcard.  This really was the secret.  I just had to look at it from a different angle.  It wasn’t really “faking it” but rather learning how to look at and react to events in my life.  We may not all have the same struggles, the same opportunities, the same strengths and weaknesses…but what we do all have is the ability to process those parts of our life and DECIDE how to react to each of them. 

I know, I know…you don’t believe me….you are rolling your eyes and annoyed that this is where we ended up.  I still wasn’t sure I believed it at the time, so I don’t blame you.  But give me a chance…I mean, if you’re still reading this far into it, what are a few more paragraphs?

I decided that day that from then on, it wasn’t going to be an unconscious decision to not worry about what I couldn’t change, but that I was going to make a very serious effort to look for the positives in those negative situations.  Don’t worry, this isn’t where I say that my life completely changed for the better that moment.  I had a huge problem.  I had NO idea how to start.  I’d spent a lifetime looking at the worst case scenarios, so trying to find positives wasn’t easy at all.  So, I started where all nerds like myself start…the internet!    You think I’m kidding, but I created list after list of positive quotations that I read all the time (my favorite, in case anyone is interested is a quote from the movie Auntie Mamie that I think sums this all up fairly well “Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death”)  When I get overwhelmed, one of those quotes would tunnel it’s way to the front and get me out of a quick jam. “This too shall pass”  has been a life saver for me.  But obviously, that alone wasn’t enough.

Eventually, I worked up the courage to ask the more positive people in my life how they “faked” it.  I’m not going to give you other people’s answers…partially because they varied so much I’d end up with a (longer?) novel here.  But more, because that was the most important part of my journey to the here and now.  Realizing I couldn’t keep this all inside, and couldn’t figure it out on my own…and then taking what was an enormous step for myself and asking for other peoples advice, opinions and help was the hardest and largest step I’ve taken.  I don’t think I even realized before then that I wasn’t accepting of what others had to offer.  But once I was not only able to ask, but also accept the help of others, my life became much easier.  And like every other step I’ve taken, it didn’t happen all at once…I’ve gathered bits and pieces from others…used what worked and filed away the rest. Now, not only do I feel better because I’ve changed my outlook….but I am so much less alone.  I’ve surrounded myself with positive people who are willing to give me their ear, and their thoughts…..their words! 

This isn’t some miracle story by any stretch of the imagination.  I have good days and bad days.  I let bad times get me down, even when I try not to.  I cry, often and hard.  I get angry when I don’t mean to.  But I am more likely to put those things I can’t control out of my mind to create situations I can control.  I don’t spend my time waiting on the other shoe to drop.  I enjoy the small moments, hold on to them and cherish them…I save them for the dark days and retreat into those memories when I need them.  I love with everything in me.  And, I smile….lots.