No Laughing Matter...

So I'm a little freaked out right now. You've got to excuse my self indulgence here...I'm kinda talking myself through something...and taking you on the journey...because I figure others can relate (if anyone even reads this...lol...who knows who sees it.) This is really just me speaking from the gut...everything may not come out right.  Some of it may be offensive, although it isn't intended if it is.

I was just talking to a friend about how we are dealing with something we are both going through with our spouses right now.  She said she was trying not to jump to the worst case scenario.  My comment back was innocent, and intended to help...all I said was that I try to make up best case scenarios in my head, because after all...it's just as likely to be the best as the worst, but even so, I can't focus on those.  That we are all just a little bit jaded, because in our experience, we CAN'T discount the worst case...because for us, it happens sometimes.  So we get ourselves all worked up, panic, cry, get angry, lose sleep, can't eat, assume our marriages are over, and think of every possible horrible outcome....and then find out it wasn't nearly as bad as we expected...that we "invented" the majority of the bad in our minds.

And then, I realized I was describing hypervigilance...one of those BIG signs of PTSD.  I've "joked" for years that I probably have secondary PTSD.  I'd do something "abnormal" to others, and then flippantly toss out there that it must be secondary PTSD.  But today, after  that one comment to my friend, (have you noticed this pattern with me...reality usually hit me like a ton of bricks when I'm not expecting it) I started thinking back over the last few years. The increased frequency when my husband has told me that he and the kids have to avoid me sometimes, too.  How quick I've gotten to jump to conclusions.  How I assume everything is going to be doom and gloom.  So, I pulled up the below list of symptoms to really take a look at myself (with my comments):

While everyone experiences PTSD differently, there are three main types of symptoms:

1. Re-experiencing the traumatic event
2. Avoiding reminders of the trauma
3. Increased anxiety and emotional arousal

Symptoms of PTSD: Re-experiencing the traumatic event

• Intrusive, upsetting memories of the event----CHECK! Of course I relive the events that have led us to this place...they are as much a part of our lives as the good days.  It's hard not to think of the worst when you always think you are  just the wrong word away from disaster at any moment.
• Flashbacks (acting or feeling like the event is happening again)---OMG, I do that!  I don't feel like the event is happening again, but I DO have the same intense dread and depression.  I just spent 5 days not being able to eat or sleep over a hint that something may be wrong.  All I could do was think about when it happened before and I made myself sick.  Of course, the reality was I was overreacting and was wrong about what happened.  This is an ever repeating pattern.
• Nightmares (either of the event or of other frightening things)---horrible, worst case possible, night after night...I can't even talk about them...but I avoid sleeping until I'm so tired I know I probably won't remember them.
• Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the trauma---only because being reminded of it, just further reminds me that it not only can, but probably will happen again.
• Intense physical reactions to reminders of the event (e.g. pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea, muscle tension, sweating)--I just told someone this week...the only time I sweat is when I'm dealing with this overreaction of mine...I get so nauseous and worked up that I end up passing out and spending a day or two in bed from sheer exhaustion of my body on overload

Symptoms of PTSD: Avoidance and numbing

• Avoiding activities, places, thoughts, or feelings that remind you of the trauma---here's the rub....EVERYTHING Is a potential for our "trauma"...leaving the house and interacting with others is always a scary proposition.  I never know when he's going to freak out, or where.  So, at least at home, no one else is involved.
• Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma--I don't think I have this issue...if anything I remember far far too much
• Loss of interest in activities and life in general--see above...life in general is a mine field (excuse the military expression...it seemed to fit)
• Feeling detached from others and emotionally numb--again, I don't think this is so unnatural, given our situation...it's how you cope...or how your body copes, I should say...once you've had so much, doesn't it just make sense that you'd feel numb.  Things are either FANTASTIC...HORRIBLE...or Eh
• Sense of a limited future (you don’t expect to live a normal life span, get married, have a career)--This is a funny one for me, too.  My husband spends a lot of time telling me what he expects me to do with myself in the future.  I don't see a future where I'm able to talk to others like a "normal" person again.  I don't see being able to leave the house daily and not worry about what is happening here.  And I also think that's perfectly normal, considering our life.

Symptoms of PTSD: Increased anxiety and emotional arousal

• Difficulty falling or staying asleep---LOL...I've yet to meet a caregiver or a veteran who sleeps
• Irritability or outbursts of anger---it's ironic...I've spent so many years focusing on his anger and chastising him for his behavior....and I hadn't realized how often he has told me that the family has to be extra careful around me.  Hadn't thought of all the slammed doors I've been responsible for.  All the times I don't even want the kids to talk to me because I'm afraid I'd explode on them. I'm feeling like a total heel right now.
• Difficulty concentrating--This is going to sound obnoxious...but I'm used to being one of the smartest people in the room.  I've spent a life thirsting for knowledge, but not ever really putting it into application.  That said, I have always taken pride in keeping my mind active and keeping up to date.  Except here lately, I can't manage to read a book, let alone figure out how to put together a transformer or help the kids with homework.  This bothers me more than anything.  I've always been able to get myself past a panic or depression by keeping my mind busy.  But when your mind stops doing what you expect it to, it's beyond frustrating.  It just adds to the depression.
• Hypervigilance (on constant “red alert”)---This is where we started this conversation....and lets talk about it a little more.  Where is that cut off between being vigilant, and hypervigilant? I mean, is it hypervigilance if your current reality requires you to be on that state of alert?  An (unequal, but fair) example:  When our soldiers are at war, it's not hypervigilance for them to be on high alert at all times...it is required for their survival.  When they come home, that level of hypervigilance is unnecessary.  There aren't IED's or snipers on roof tops.  In their case, they are trained to be in that state of mind.  It's kept them alive.  Why would they stop searching for the danger if it's worked this far?   They are stuck in that survival mode, even though the threat level has gone down. And that makes perfect sense.  They still perceive the threat as high, and with what they have gone through, who could blame them...it's to be expected.
  
  On the flip side, for those of us living with these Veterans, there is no reason to ever stop looking for our "IED's"....there is a good reason to be vigilant at every moment...because every moment IS a potential for explosion, or implosion.  What they call hypervigilance, I call self preservation.  Unless of course our spouse is truly doing better.  In which case, does our constant worry and planning for the worst case hold them back further?  LOL, but then, there is always the cases where they are doing better for quite some time, and then things go to hell again.  We spend a lot of time waiting on that other shoe to drop...enough so that I know alot of our spouses find it insulting.  Ugh, frustrating!
• Feeling jumpy and easily startled--aren't some people just like that?

Other common symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

Anger and irritability-already addressed above Guilt, shame, or self-blame-of course, did I start this fight? How could I have helped him ?  How must people look at me knowing I stay?  How would people look at me if I left? Substance abuse--I have to wonder on this one.  I do self medicate...but mostly of food. Feelings of mistrust and betrayal--again, doesn't this tie in directly to the hypervigilance?  Of course I feel that way.  With reason.

Depression and hopelessness--again, again, again...already hit on above.  My room has become my fortress...I sit in here, pretend the world doesn't exist and watch meaningless TV 12 hours a day most days Suicidal thoughts and feelings--I'm not suicidal, but I will admit that there are many times that I've felt I'd be better off dead.  There is no way I'd ever hurt myself...I know that I have a full life ahead with my children, and I'd never leave them.  But I don't always want to keep going. Feeling alienated and alone--Even within our community of other PTSD wives, sometimes I feel like I can't repeat what happened here exactly.  There is always someone who says "you should leave" and there is always a part of me that wonders if they are right.  But I don't want to go.  I love my husband, and I enjoy more time with him than I don't.  Only I can figure out if that time ever comes.  I always worry that no one can relate, but the reality is, I know they do. Physical aches and pains---I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia...I am in pain every day...it's just my new normal, and I've learned to keep going through most of it.

So, what is it I think at the end of going through all this with myself?  I think more than I ever did that PTSD is a very natural reaction to your environment.  That it's time for me to face that I am going through it too.  And time for me to really go out and get help for myself so I can continue to help my spouse.  Time for a psychologist, time to see the family Dr about the fibro, time to get back to doing things I enjoy doing.  I feel like I have a little bit better understanding of myself and what I have to do here....even if I feel a little more scared than I did 24 hours ago.  Gotta go...I've got a lot of phone calls to make and a life to try to start living a little better again.