Why is it always the simple things that make such an impact on me?

I got a new counselor at the Vet Center....I love him...and I'm so glad to be speaking to a man.  I had hoped, and was right, that he'd help me see things from a man's point of view.  Yesterday was the first time I met with him, and I can honestly say it's the first time in my life that I've walked out of a counselors office feeling fantastic. Usually when I leave whatever we've talked about makes me introspective and sometimes depressed.  So, I was afraid to go in yesterday, because I've already had a pretty depressing week. (probably self inflicted depression...I spent a lot of time making mountains out of mole hills recently)

Okay, so first of all, this guys smile was contagious.  We've all met people like him, those people that smile even when you are talking about horrible things, but somehow, it doesn't seem inappropriate at all.  Instead, I was hypnotized into smiling back.  GREAT start!

Second, he was also incredibly positive.  Not in an annoying cheerleader (no offence to REAL cheerleaders, it's cool when you're doing your thing!) kind of way. But for every negative thing I said, he had the "antidote" and it wasn't at all fake or pushed on me.  It just felt real....and darn it if it wasn't contagious too!

"ALL" I wanted out of that visit was for him to tell me HOW to talk to my husband so he'd actually hear me....okay, well in retrospect, that is insane...I mean, I've been seeing people for years now for the same reason, and I had no reason to believe it would be any different then.  But it was...it honestly was.

After I unloaded on this guy everything that has been bothering me since 2005 he started to look desperate himself.  He then did something no other counselor has done before, he said "what can I do to make you leave here TODAY feeling better" and I asked "How do I word this to my husband....I don't think I can take care of his needs, since he is unable to do it himself, and my family and maintain a full time job any longer. I've tried to speak to him about it several times, I've tried the crying approach, I've tried the detached unemotional approach, but he isn't hearing me, and I feel like I'm losing my family"

His response just felt RIGHT (paraphrasing here) "You said your husband gets up all night looking for anyone breaking in your home.  Put it to him in those terms.  Tell him PTSD is the thief coming in your home and robbing you of your happiness and family.  Tell him he couldn't fight the war alone, and he can't fight this alone.  Tell him you are standing on the front line with him on this instead of back in the rear.  Tell him an Army of one will always be defeated.  Speak to him like a soldier and a man, and he may not get it, but he will listen."

I walked out of there on cloud 9, because I KNEW he'd listen....I didn't know how he'd respond, but I knew that at least he'd finally hear me.  And he did.

It actually took a few days until he was in a mood that I knew I could approach him.  I said almost word for word what the counselor had said to me....and he listened.  Not only did he listen, he finally got it.  He understands why and how I feel helpless now, and that he needs a partner in this...that he can't do it alone.

Like always, it's not all better, and he's been a nervous wreck since we discussed it...and there is no plan of action yet either....we can only take baby steps...one big idea at a time is all he can deal with.  But he's calling HIS counselor tomorrow, and telling him he can speak to me about anything I ask....and I only want to speak to this man to tell him, my husband always puts his best foot forward when he's there with him...I want him to see what is going on from a point of view OTHER than my husband's.

On my own, I've applied for the care giver benefits, and I'm looking for a differnt (part-time) job....things are going to be very tight around here once that happens....and I've decided that I won't leave my current position until after Christmas unless a great opportunity comes up....but I finally see things moving in the RIGHT direction, instead of just moving without my guidance.  I feel empowered, and it's been a long time since I felt that way.

I've been writing a children's book on PTSD for a while...my most recent draft

I was disgusted one evening when my kids were asking me about what was going on with their dad, and I couldn't find a single book or article aimed at their level.  I intend to finish this book, and add discussion points to each page for parents and children to talk about AND writing one at my older child's level.  I'm still looking for an illustrator, and this is nothing more than a rough draft….but it’s my start.

I’d love to hear HONEST opinions on it, don’t hold back and don’t worry about my feelings.....

PTSD, My Daddy & Me

When I was little, my Daddy went to war.

I was so excited when he came home & so was he.

But Daddy wasn't happy, he was sad and angry all the time.

 Mommy said he got sick when he was gone-he has PTSD.

Sometimes my Daddy is a lot of fun-

we play baseball and go swimming and go to the park.

But sometimes, all my dad wants to do is sit in his room alone.

Sometimes he even cries.

Mommy says he's thinking about the things that made him sick.

When Daddy is sad I try to cheer him up.

I'll bring him a drink & candy and lots of hugs and kisses.

He always loves when I do that!

But sometimes it doesn't make the sad go away.

Mommy says it's not my fault

Daddy is sick-he has PTSD.

When Daddy is really mad he yells a LOT.

Sometimes he throws stuff and sometimes he even breaks things.

Sometimes I get scared,

but Mommy said it's her job to protect me

and she won't ever let me get hurt.

When I get mad I try to yell & break stuff too!

Mommy & Daddy said I can't do that.

Daddy tries very had not to do those things, and he even sees aDoctor to help him control his temper

because Daddy is sick-he has PTSD

On The 4th of July I was so excited to go see the fireworks!

They are so cool and pretty and loud!!!

Daddy doesn't like the fireworks anymore.

Mommy said they give him "flashbacks" and make him think of when he was in war-

Because Daddy is sick-he has PTSD.

AT Christmas my whole family celebrates together at a big party.

It is so much fun and everyone is there...

Except Daddy

Mommy said being around a lot of people & noise makes him nervous and upset-

Because Daddy is sick-he has PTSD

One night Daddy heard me crying in my room.

He asked me what was wrong and I said

“Daddy, you are sick-you have PTSD"

Daddy scooped me up in his arms and said

"Little one, I try every day to get better.

I see Doctors who help me all the time.

I know I'm a different Daddy than before,

And I know some days I'm sad and some days I'm mad

But we'll be okay, because I love you and you love me back"

My Daddy is sick

He has PTSD

But he still loves me!!

I Didn't Know I Had So Much To Say

Fair warning again...this turned out much longer than I expected, but I think I need to talk a little about who I am as a person and it’s really important to me to clarify something about the last few posts I’ve made.  Reading them over,  they seems to be a lot of doom and gloom…and that isn’t me.  That isn’t my family.  (Okay, I’ll be fair, it IS my husband)

PTSD hasn’t been all bad for me.  Don’t get me wrong, given the option, I’d rather I never had to even learn about it.  But, in spite of the negatives, I’ve learned so much about myself, my capacity to love, my strengths, my weaknesses (that’s a great thing to know) and the kindness of others and their willingness to help.  PTSD has been a life altering experience for our entire family, but something much more simple changed my life in an equally dramatic way.

When all of this began, if I had a bad day and someone approached me and said anything along the lines of “cheer up” or “you create your own attitude” or “you choose your mood” that person would have gotten a LARGE piece of my mind. Over the years I grew so so so tired of all the worn out clichés.  Not just tired, I was angry.  How did your cutsie sayings and words matter?  You had no idea what my life was like, so how could you possibly think you were doing anything other than running your mouth?   

Oh, how time changes us.

About 5 years ago I started reading http://www.postsecret.com/  (If you’ve never been to the site, check it out…really)  One day I happened upon this secret http://www.flickr.com/photos/tortillamask/3167121368/.  For those of you who don’t want to follow the link, it says “I often wonder if life is easier for other people…..or….they’re just better at faking it”   I actually laughed when I read it, showed it to the people around me.  And I showed it to more people.  Over time, I talked about that secret a LOT.  I don’t know what it was about it, it seemed so simple, yet it was profound.

First I questioned why anyone would want to fake it.  Isn’t our life what it is?  Why would anyone want to be something other than who they are?  Who would want to live a lie?   My attitude about it was “I am who I am, life has dealt me a bum hand, and that’s just the way it is” But the more I talked to people, the more I realized that their reaction to the postcard was a direct reflection of who they were, their attitude toward life, and how happy they appeared to be.  If they felt like I did about the secret, they tended to be moodier and more stagnant individuals.  If they thought it was wonderful and profound, those were the people who had a smile on their face daily. Sadly, I let it go…I didn’t forget the secret, I just let it go.

Okay, so fast forward a couple of years. I’m not sure when, because it wasn’t an instantaneous thing, but a gradual change.  That simple little secret was just sitting there idle in the back of my mind, working it’s magic in ways that I never imagined could happen.  I don’t remember there being a specific time I consciously decided not to spend my life under the black cloud of doubt and worry, but I do remember when my husband noticed. 

There were money problems, one right after the other, and our mortgage was going to be late for the 3^rd month in a row.  He had worked himself into the typical rage/depression cycle about it…and I just didn’t.  You’d think that the calm of one person in the house would have defused the situation in some way, but I am here to tell you, it had exactly the opposite effect.  He accused me of giving up, of not caring, of many other things much worse than those.  I was trying to explain to him why I couldn’t allow myself to get so worked up about something I had no control over, and then, I did the strangest thing. In my snottiest voice I spouted out The Serenity Prayer.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

WHERE DID THAT COME FROM!?!?!?!  I was a very cynical about religion at that time.  Nothing could be LESS like me than a prayer.  Prayers were useless words used to pacify.  A crutch.  Meaningless.?  Maybe not.  THAT hit me like a ton of bricks.  I actually had to give myself a time out and go sit in the dark of my room to process what was going on in my mind.  How could those words be meaningless if they had so much power over me? (It’s worth noting, although not discussing, that I am still not a believer, this isn’t a conversion story)

Well of course they had power.  Everything we are is directly related to simple words.  Our every action is our thoughts played out.  And aren’t our thoughts just more words?  I’m not sure if that’s too simple a way of putting it, or too deep…but either way, those moments in my life and these words changed me.  I thought about the times I’d said things to my children that made them smile, and those that made them flinch. I started thinking of all the songs that flooded me with emotion and brought tears to my eyes.   I thought about my wedding vows, poems, great novels, movie quotes, I love yous….. 

I looked up the prayer, not even realizing there was more to it:

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen. --Reinhold Niebuhr

Maybe you see where this is going, or maybe you don’t see the connection, but the first thing I thought of was that postcard.  This really was the secret.  I just had to look at it from a different angle.  It wasn’t really “faking it” but rather learning how to look at and react to events in my life.  We may not all have the same struggles, the same opportunities, the same strengths and weaknesses…but what we do all have is the ability to process those parts of our life and DECIDE how to react to each of them. 

I know, I know…you don’t believe me….you are rolling your eyes and annoyed that this is where we ended up.  I still wasn’t sure I believed it at the time, so I don’t blame you.  But give me a chance…I mean, if you’re still reading this far into it, what are a few more paragraphs?

I decided that day that from then on, it wasn’t going to be an unconscious decision to not worry about what I couldn’t change, but that I was going to make a very serious effort to look for the positives in those negative situations.  Don’t worry, this isn’t where I say that my life completely changed for the better that moment.  I had a huge problem.  I had NO idea how to start.  I’d spent a lifetime looking at the worst case scenarios, so trying to find positives wasn’t easy at all.  So, I started where all nerds like myself start…the internet!    You think I’m kidding, but I created list after list of positive quotations that I read all the time (my favorite, in case anyone is interested is a quote from the movie Auntie Mamie that I think sums this all up fairly well “Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death”)  When I get overwhelmed, one of those quotes would tunnel it’s way to the front and get me out of a quick jam. “This too shall pass”  has been a life saver for me.  But obviously, that alone wasn’t enough.

Eventually, I worked up the courage to ask the more positive people in my life how they “faked” it.  I’m not going to give you other people’s answers…partially because they varied so much I’d end up with a (longer?) novel here.  But more, because that was the most important part of my journey to the here and now.  Realizing I couldn’t keep this all inside, and couldn’t figure it out on my own…and then taking what was an enormous step for myself and asking for other peoples advice, opinions and help was the hardest and largest step I’ve taken.  I don’t think I even realized before then that I wasn’t accepting of what others had to offer.  But once I was not only able to ask, but also accept the help of others, my life became much easier.  And like every other step I’ve taken, it didn’t happen all at once…I’ve gathered bits and pieces from others…used what worked and filed away the rest. Now, not only do I feel better because I’ve changed my outlook….but I am so much less alone.  I’ve surrounded myself with positive people who are willing to give me their ear, and their thoughts…..their words! 

This isn’t some miracle story by any stretch of the imagination.  I have good days and bad days.  I let bad times get me down, even when I try not to.  I cry, often and hard.  I get angry when I don’t mean to.  But I am more likely to put those things I can’t control out of my mind to create situations I can control.  I don’t spend my time waiting on the other shoe to drop.  I enjoy the small moments, hold on to them and cherish them…I save them for the dark days and retreat into those memories when I need them.  I love with everything in me.  And, I smile….lots.

It Was Inevitable

Good news first, right?  Our friend who attempted to take his life earlier in the week is now awake and in a psychiatric facility.  He doesn’t remember the majority of the prior two weeks, and vaguely remembers a couple of his attempts.  He is ashamed, embarrassed and depressed.  And you may think I’m a jerk for saying it, but I’m glad…because that means he is still here with us….and MAYBE that means he will get help before it gets to this point again.

What he doesn’t realize yet is the impact his actions have had on those who care about him.  His wife doesn’t know what to do or how to carry on at this point.  She is angry.  She is hurt.  She is seriously considering leaving.  She no longer feels it is a safe environment to raise their children in, or for herself.  But she isn’t sure.  And I understand that, with every fiber of my being. 

I understand because I haven’t figured out where that line is myself. 

On one hand, you deal with the rage, the depression, the isolation…all of those things push you to this point where you don’t know if you are able to do it any longer.  When leaving seems like it may be your only option.  And then you remember they rely  on you to be their rock.  You remember all the times they have thanked you for standing by them through this.  You remember the happy times you spend together.  Almost instantly, no matter how bad it was, you trick yourself into thinking it wasn’t that bad.  And you wonder, how could I leave?  Who leaves the person they love when that person needs them the most?  You feel enormous guilt for even entertaining the idea.

But on the other hand, you have these innocent children who are daily reminded by the actions of both your spouse and yourself that our life is NOT normal.  Personally, one of my children has come to ME talking about moving out.  This little guy had the courage to come to his mother and say “Mom, I don’t know how long we can live with Dad like this, but if he ever acts like he did today again, I want us all to move or I’m going to live with Grandma.”  It wasn’t a threat.  It had been “one of those days,” and it had been one of the worst.  And even my child 2 days later when talking to me said he thought he was over-reacting and that he never wants to leave Dad.

But that’s not up to him.  He IS just a child.  It’s up to me to figure out the balance.  It’s up to me, and only me, to determine when the benefits of being here for the man I love is no longer greater than the risks of raising the children we BOTH love in this environment.  That is a lot to live with on your shoulders every day.  And that is on top of everything else.

So, on to the “everything else”…the “inevitable” part of this.  My husband was amazing the last few days.  He organized groups of fellow soldiers to call and check on his friend and certain times.  He spoke to the wife several times and was there for her.  He encouraged me to call her, going on and on about how strong I’ve been through all his problems and how I could help her (although she didn’t want to speak to any of the wives, and I understand) He acted as a liaison between the rest of their old troop and the hospital.  He was active, involved, and concerned.  At home he was grateful to his family, and told us several times how much we mean to him and that he would never do this to us (almost like he was forgetting the times he has done this to us) 

And, now that it’s past the crisis, he has crashed.   He put every part of himself into helping his friend…and he has nothing left for himself, or for us.  So, for the next few days I’ll call home from work constantly to make sure he isn’t too depressed or angry to take care of our kids when they get home from school…and cross my fingers that this doesn’t lead to a week in bed or worse.

I really hope our friend takes something away from this….because his actions hurt many more people than he knows.