Fair warning again...this turned out much longer than I expected, but I think I need to talk a little about who I am as a person and it’s really important to me to clarify something about the last few posts I’ve made. Reading them over, they seems to be a lot of doom and gloom…and that isn’t me. That isn’t my family. (Okay, I’ll be fair, it IS my husband)
PTSD hasn’t been all bad for me. Don’t get me wrong, given the option, I’d rather I never had to even learn about it. But, in spite of the negatives, I’ve learned so much about myself, my capacity to love, my strengths, my weaknesses (that’s a great thing to know) and the kindness of others and their willingness to help. PTSD has been a life altering experience for our entire family, but something much more simple changed my life in an equally dramatic way.
When all of this began, if I had a bad day and someone approached me and said anything along the lines of “cheer up” or “you create your own attitude” or “you choose your mood” that person would have gotten a LARGE piece of my mind. Over the years I grew so so so tired of all the worn out clichés. Not just tired, I was angry. How did your cutsie sayings and words matter? You had no idea what my life was like, so how could you possibly think you were doing anything other than running your mouth?
Oh, how time changes us.
About 5 years ago I started reading http://www.postsecret.com/ (If you’ve never been to the site, check it out…really) One day I happened upon this secret http://www.flickr.com/photos/tortillamask/3167121368/. For those of you who don’t want to follow the link, it says “I often wonder if life is easier for other people…..or….they’re just better at faking it” I actually laughed when I read it, showed it to the people around me. And I showed it to more people. Over time, I talked about that secret a LOT. I don’t know what it was about it, it seemed so simple, yet it was profound.
First I questioned why anyone would want to fake it. Isn’t our life what it is? Why would anyone want to be something other than who they are? Who would want to live a lie? My attitude about it was “I am who I am, life has dealt me a bum hand, and that’s just the way it is” But the more I talked to people, the more I realized that their reaction to the postcard was a direct reflection of who they were, their attitude toward life, and how happy they appeared to be. If they felt like I did about the secret, they tended to be moodier and more stagnant individuals. If they thought it was wonderful and profound, those were the people who had a smile on their face daily. Sadly, I let it go…I didn’t forget the secret, I just let it go.
Okay, so fast forward a couple of years. I’m not sure when, because it wasn’t an instantaneous thing, but a gradual change. That simple little secret was just sitting there idle in the back of my mind, working it’s magic in ways that I never imagined could happen. I don’t remember there being a specific time I consciously decided not to spend my life under the black cloud of doubt and worry, but I do remember when my husband noticed.
There were money problems, one right after the other, and our mortgage was going to be late for the 3rd month in a row. He had worked himself into the typical rage/depression cycle about it…and I just didn’t. You’d think that the calm of one person in the house would have defused the situation in some way, but I am here to tell you, it had exactly the opposite effect. He accused me of giving up, of not caring, of many other things much worse than those. I was trying to explain to him why I couldn’t allow myself to get so worked up about something I had no control over, and then, I did the strangest thing. In my snottiest voice I spouted out The Serenity Prayer.
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
WHERE DID THAT COME FROM!?!?!?! I was a very cynical about religion at that time. Nothing could be LESS like me than a prayer. Prayers were useless words used to pacify. A crutch. Meaningless.? Maybe not. THAT hit me like a ton of bricks. I actually had to give myself a time out and go sit in the dark of my room to process what was going on in my mind. How could those words be meaningless if they had so much power over me? (It’s worth noting, although not discussing, that I am still not a believer, this isn’t a conversion story)
Well of course they had power. Everything we are is directly related to simple words. Our every action is our thoughts played out. And aren’t our thoughts just more words? I’m not sure if that’s too simple a way of putting it, or too deep…but either way, those moments in my life and these words changed me. I thought about the times I’d said things to my children that made them smile, and those that made them flinch. I started thinking of all the songs that flooded me with emotion and brought tears to my eyes. I thought about my wedding vows, poems, great novels, movie quotes, I love yous…..
I looked up the prayer, not even realizing there was more to it:
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen. --Reinhold Niebuhr
Maybe you see where this is going, or maybe you don’t see the connection, but the first thing I thought of was that postcard. This really was the secret. I just had to look at it from a different angle. It wasn’t really “faking it” but rather learning how to look at and react to events in my life. We may not all have the same struggles, the same opportunities, the same strengths and weaknesses…but what we do all have is the ability to process those parts of our life and DECIDE how to react to each of them.
I know, I know…you don’t believe me….you are rolling your eyes and annoyed that this is where we ended up. I still wasn’t sure I believed it at the time, so I don’t blame you. But give me a chance…I mean, if you’re still reading this far into it, what are a few more paragraphs?
I decided that day that from then on, it wasn’t going to be an unconscious decision to not worry about what I couldn’t change, but that I was going to make a very serious effort to look for the positives in those negative situations. Don’t worry, this isn’t where I say that my life completely changed for the better that moment. I had a huge problem. I had NO idea how to start. I’d spent a lifetime looking at the worst case scenarios, so trying to find positives wasn’t easy at all. So, I started where all nerds like myself start…the internet! You think I’m kidding, but I created list after list of positive quotations that I read all the time (my favorite, in case anyone is interested is a quote from the movie Auntie Mamie that I think sums this all up fairly well “Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death”) When I get overwhelmed, one of those quotes would tunnel it’s way to the front and get me out of a quick jam. “This too shall pass” has been a life saver for me. But obviously, that alone wasn’t enough.
Eventually, I worked up the courage to ask the more positive people in my life how they “faked” it. I’m not going to give you other people’s answers…partially because they varied so much I’d end up with a (longer?) novel here. But more, because that was the most important part of my journey to the here and now. Realizing I couldn’t keep this all inside, and couldn’t figure it out on my own…and then taking what was an enormous step for myself and asking for other peoples advice, opinions and help was the hardest and largest step I’ve taken. I don’t think I even realized before then that I wasn’t accepting of what others had to offer. But once I was not only able to ask, but also accept the help of others, my life became much easier. And like every other step I’ve taken, it didn’t happen all at once…I’ve gathered bits and pieces from others…used what worked and filed away the rest. Now, not only do I feel better because I’ve changed my outlook….but I am so much less alone. I’ve surrounded myself with positive people who are willing to give me their ear, and their thoughts…..their words!
This isn’t some miracle story by any stretch of the imagination. I have good days and bad days. I let bad times get me down, even when I try not to. I cry, often and hard. I get angry when I don’t mean to. But I am more likely to put those things I can’t control out of my mind to create situations I can control. I don’t spend my time waiting on the other shoe to drop. I enjoy the small moments, hold on to them and cherish them…I save them for the dark days and retreat into those memories when I need them. I love with everything in me. And, I smile….lots.
I decided that day that from then on, it wasn’t going to be an unconscious decision to not worry about what I couldn’t change, but that I was going to make a very serious effort to look for the positives in those negative situations. Don’t worry, this isn’t where I say that my life completely changed for the better that moment. I had a huge problem. I had NO idea how to start. I’d spent a lifetime looking at the worst case scenarios, so trying to find positives wasn’t easy at all. So, I started where all nerds like myself start…the internet! You think I’m kidding, but I created list after list of positive quotations that I read all the time (my favorite, in case anyone is interested is a quote from the movie Auntie Mamie that I think sums this all up fairly well “Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death”) When I get overwhelmed, one of those quotes would tunnel it’s way to the front and get me out of a quick jam. “This too shall pass” has been a life saver for me. But obviously, that alone wasn’t enough.
Eventually, I worked up the courage to ask the more positive people in my life how they “faked” it. I’m not going to give you other people’s answers…partially because they varied so much I’d end up with a (longer?) novel here. But more, because that was the most important part of my journey to the here and now. Realizing I couldn’t keep this all inside, and couldn’t figure it out on my own…and then taking what was an enormous step for myself and asking for other peoples advice, opinions and help was the hardest and largest step I’ve taken. I don’t think I even realized before then that I wasn’t accepting of what others had to offer. But once I was not only able to ask, but also accept the help of others, my life became much easier. And like every other step I’ve taken, it didn’t happen all at once…I’ve gathered bits and pieces from others…used what worked and filed away the rest. Now, not only do I feel better because I’ve changed my outlook….but I am so much less alone. I’ve surrounded myself with positive people who are willing to give me their ear, and their thoughts…..their words!
This isn’t some miracle story by any stretch of the imagination. I have good days and bad days. I let bad times get me down, even when I try not to. I cry, often and hard. I get angry when I don’t mean to. But I am more likely to put those things I can’t control out of my mind to create situations I can control. I don’t spend my time waiting on the other shoe to drop. I enjoy the small moments, hold on to them and cherish them…I save them for the dark days and retreat into those memories when I need them. I love with everything in me. And, I smile….lots.
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