Good news first, right? Our friend who attempted to take his life earlier in the week is now awake and in a psychiatric facility. He doesn’t remember the majority of the prior two weeks, and vaguely remembers a couple of his attempts. He is ashamed, embarrassed and depressed. And you may think I’m a jerk for saying it, but I’m glad…because that means he is still here with us….and MAYBE that means he will get help before it gets to this point again.
What he doesn’t realize yet is the impact his actions have had on those who care about him. His wife doesn’t know what to do or how to carry on at this point. She is angry. She is hurt. She is seriously considering leaving. She no longer feels it is a safe environment to raise their children in, or for herself. But she isn’t sure. And I understand that, with every fiber of my being.
I understand because I haven’t figured out where that line is myself.
On one hand, you deal with the rage, the depression, the isolation…all of those things push you to this point where you don’t know if you are able to do it any longer. When leaving seems like it may be your only option. And then you remember they rely on you to be their rock. You remember all the times they have thanked you for standing by them through this. You remember the happy times you spend together. Almost instantly, no matter how bad it was, you trick yourself into thinking it wasn’t that bad. And you wonder, how could I leave? Who leaves the person they love when that person needs them the most? You feel enormous guilt for even entertaining the idea.
But on the other hand, you have these innocent children who are daily reminded by the actions of both your spouse and yourself that our life is NOT normal. Personally, one of my children has come to ME talking about moving out. This little guy had the courage to come to his mother and say “Mom, I don’t know how long we can live with Dad like this, but if he ever acts like he did today again, I want us all to move or I’m going to live with Grandma.” It wasn’t a threat. It had been “one of those days,” and it had been one of the worst. And even my child 2 days later when talking to me said he thought he was over-reacting and that he never wants to leave Dad.
But that’s not up to him. He IS just a child. It’s up to me to figure out the balance. It’s up to me, and only me, to determine when the benefits of being here for the man I love is no longer greater than the risks of raising the children we BOTH love in this environment. That is a lot to live with on your shoulders every day. And that is on top of everything else.
So, on to the “everything else”…the “inevitable” part of this. My husband was amazing the last few days. He organized groups of fellow soldiers to call and check on his friend and certain times. He spoke to the wife several times and was there for her. He encouraged me to call her, going on and on about how strong I’ve been through all his problems and how I could help her (although she didn’t want to speak to any of the wives, and I understand) He acted as a liaison between the rest of their old troop and the hospital. He was active, involved, and concerned. At home he was grateful to his family, and told us several times how much we mean to him and that he would never do this to us (almost like he was forgetting the times he has done this to us)
And, now that it’s past the crisis, he has crashed. He put every part of himself into helping his friend…and he has nothing left for himself, or for us. So, for the next few days I’ll call home from work constantly to make sure he isn’t too depressed or angry to take care of our kids when they get home from school…and cross my fingers that this doesn’t lead to a week in bed or worse.
I really hope our friend takes something away from this….because his actions hurt many more people than he knows.
I understand because I haven’t figured out where that line is myself.
On one hand, you deal with the rage, the depression, the isolation…all of those things push you to this point where you don’t know if you are able to do it any longer. When leaving seems like it may be your only option. And then you remember they rely on you to be their rock. You remember all the times they have thanked you for standing by them through this. You remember the happy times you spend together. Almost instantly, no matter how bad it was, you trick yourself into thinking it wasn’t that bad. And you wonder, how could I leave? Who leaves the person they love when that person needs them the most? You feel enormous guilt for even entertaining the idea.
But on the other hand, you have these innocent children who are daily reminded by the actions of both your spouse and yourself that our life is NOT normal. Personally, one of my children has come to ME talking about moving out. This little guy had the courage to come to his mother and say “Mom, I don’t know how long we can live with Dad like this, but if he ever acts like he did today again, I want us all to move or I’m going to live with Grandma.” It wasn’t a threat. It had been “one of those days,” and it had been one of the worst. And even my child 2 days later when talking to me said he thought he was over-reacting and that he never wants to leave Dad.
But that’s not up to him. He IS just a child. It’s up to me to figure out the balance. It’s up to me, and only me, to determine when the benefits of being here for the man I love is no longer greater than the risks of raising the children we BOTH love in this environment. That is a lot to live with on your shoulders every day. And that is on top of everything else.
So, on to the “everything else”…the “inevitable” part of this. My husband was amazing the last few days. He organized groups of fellow soldiers to call and check on his friend and certain times. He spoke to the wife several times and was there for her. He encouraged me to call her, going on and on about how strong I’ve been through all his problems and how I could help her (although she didn’t want to speak to any of the wives, and I understand) He acted as a liaison between the rest of their old troop and the hospital. He was active, involved, and concerned. At home he was grateful to his family, and told us several times how much we mean to him and that he would never do this to us (almost like he was forgetting the times he has done this to us)
And, now that it’s past the crisis, he has crashed. He put every part of himself into helping his friend…and he has nothing left for himself, or for us. So, for the next few days I’ll call home from work constantly to make sure he isn’t too depressed or angry to take care of our kids when they get home from school…and cross my fingers that this doesn’t lead to a week in bed or worse.
I really hope our friend takes something away from this….because his actions hurt many more people than he knows.
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