Long term inpatient treatment sucks for those at home

Let me warn you...this is ugly, cry baby, and selfish....it's mean, it's not at all in a positive light, and it sucks...maybe it's me reading too much into things (that's of course what he tells me) but even if it is...it's exactly how I feel today (and I wrote this 2 weeks ago and sat on it...so it's how I still feel)

I'm repeating all of this because I've heard it over and over and over again from other spouses....and I didn't take it seriously.  Or, rather, I did...but there is no way to prepare yourself for it.  It's one thing to tell someone not to take it personally when the person you love treats you bad, but it's another altogether to actually NOT  feel bad about it.  And although I see a change in him now toward the end of treatment and I am also adjusting at this point, the last 5 weeks have been some of the worst of my life...

Yes, worse than the almost 3 years he spent in Iraq, and worse than anything that has happened since.  Why?  Because I've already dealt with him coming home as a different person once, and now, I'm going through it all over again...how many men can I have been married to in that one body?  The man who is in treatment now is a FAR cry from the one who left, and not everything new about him is good in my eyes...

In the beginning of this treatment, he was horrible to me...mean, dismissive and threatening to not come home because HE was getting better and I wasn't (he's continued to say that throughout treatment...just said it today as  a matter of fact).  He was saying he may have to stay somewhere else because us still being messed up at home might threaten his recovery.  And I've spoken to SEVERAL women who have said their's said the same thing.  I've been told more in the last 5 weeks that I don't understand him and that he's surrounded by people that do than I have in the last 6 years. Again, this seems to be a common thread at long term rehab. At some point I had to remind him that the things he was saying to me and the way he was treating me made me think he forgot he was coming home to US at the end of the treatment and that he wouldn't have these guys with him anymore.  Does he think they are going to drop everything for him once they are all home in their normal lives when he needs to talk?  No, they have wives and families at home too.  Will they remain friends?  Sure...and I'm sure they will help and be there for each other.  But he's coming home to us.  

The emotional distance between us is huge.  Every time I bring up feelings or emotions he can't handle it and ends the conversation because he "doesn't want to freak out there."  Well, is there a better place to freak out?  He keeps reminding me that he's there to deal with PTSD, not our family issues.  Okay, so you are going to go to family therapy with me when you get home, then, right?  No?  You can't handle that?   So, I'm WORSE than PTSD?????

Also, he seems to now think that he can say anything to me, and it's my job as a PTSD spouse to NOT react, even when he's done something wrong ....and NEVER question his actions, or he'll just shut me off and not speak to me.  And his doctor reenforced this..."he's dealing with so much guilt, when you tell him he'd done something wrong he feels like a failure all over again"  Well, you know what?  Tough SHIT!  He was NEVER a failure...and messing up once in a while doesn't make you a failure either!  You know what makes you a failure?  Not being able to talk about when things go wrong and work to correct them.  THAT makes you a failure.

Besides that, I've been his advocate and partner every step of the way, and was totally unprepared for not having a place in this at all.  It's a huge adjustment going from being 100% involved, at every appointment, helping with every decision,  to being left in the dark except a 15 min phone calls from a doctor once a week.   And no one seems to give a shit about the family at home.  PTSD may start as the service member's injury...but we all know before very long it becomes the entire family's.

So, I have two major faults in myself here....I'm jealous, and I resent the help he's getting.

My jealousy is HUGE!!!  I mentioned the whole "I don't understand" thing...but he's also really not talking to me anymore.  And I don't feel like I'm first in his life....somewhere we lost out to the war and the soldiers he served with...we'll never be more than a far distant second place to that.  At least that one he's never said directly...but actions speak much louder than words.  I am not willing to be in second place...not to a war, not to anything.  I realize that is MY issue...but it's one I have to figure out quickly, because I'm tired of making him first in my life only to fit in wherever I fit in.

AND, I'll admit, I resent it...I resent that there is help for him and no one else... resent that the kids and I can't find a freaking therapist familiar with combat PTSD and the family...I resent that he's had the last several weeks where he hasn't had to deal with the realities of life and focus on getting well and our family is going to hell without him here (and I can't talk to him about it because it upsets him)...our reality is we live with a ticking time bomb and even him being away hasn't insulated us from that...the kids are miserable, and don't understand so they are acting up, everything that normally has to be done still has to be done....and I don't hear him saying "thank you" for anything.  Hey, I realize it's expected of me as the person who loves him....but a little recognition every once in a while would go a long long way.  I resent that there is no gratitude, that I'm taken for granted, and that there is nothing in place to help us and no break ever...

So after all that bitching...I also need to say this...I'm thrilled he is doing this, because even if it ruins our marriage (which I think it very well may have) he needs some relief from this pain...and it would be VERY UNFAIR of me not to acknowledge how much hard work he has also put into this program to help heal himself.  His doctor has said again and again that he's written some of the best narratives he's seen.  That he's doing all the assignments  and giving them 100%.  I'm very happy for him because he tells me he's doing better, and that's what it's all about, him recovering.  But however it has benefited him, it's done the exact opposite for us at home. I can't ever remember being so worn out, lonely and uncertain of our future together as I am right now.

The man who came back from Iraq wasn't the same one who left me, but that was many years ago and I hadn't already gone through all this pain with him.  This guy is yet someone else new coming home to me...and I don't know that after everything I've been through with the other Steves if I can start over again with someone new...I still love him with everything in me, but I don't know how much is actually LEFT in me.